At a recent dinner a woman and I were talking about women in tech. She brought up a story about a young woman who was the only woman in her department. One of her male co-workers dropped $2 every day into her cubicle. He did it to diminish her – to make her feel like a sex object.
The woman was upset that women have to deal with stuff like that. I told her that if women think outside the box, we can get the upper hand.
I said that if it was me, I would bring in a jar and sit it on my desk with a big note that says “Dot Appreciation Jar.”
Every day I would add my colleague’s money to my jar. Then after a couple of days, when my co-worker arrived, I would hold out my hand expecting the $2. Once in my hand I would give him a perky “Thank you.”
I suspect that would throw him off because he would get the message that I wasn’t insulted.
When I had enough money, I would stop by Starbucks in the morning and get him a Venti Caramel Macchiato (men always seem to like those) and a pasty and something for me too…with his money.
Then with my best perky sunshine and smiles voice I would deliver his coffee as if he and I are besties who do little things for each other all the time. (Very girlie).
Of course, that would get the attention of all the other guys. They’d want to know why he got coffee and pastry and not them. What did he do that was so special?
He was the one who was insulting me every day!!
My answer would be:
“He appreciates me!! He knows he could be working with someone who looks like the rest of you guys, but he’s got ME instead!”
As I told this part, the men sitting near us started laughing. I asked, “That would work right?” They nodded it would.
I told the woman:
If a woman allows herself to be insulted or offended she automatically loses.
The guys would then continue to do stuff to her because they know they can get a reaction.
The trick to dealing with these situations is to NOT react and figure out how to turn the tables to your advantage.
Making a joke out of the whole thing shows you have a sense of humor – something men like their colleagues to have. It also demonstrates strength and that you can stand up for yourself without diminishing any of the guys.
It’s a power play where you establish that everyone (especially you) is an equal.
That is a power women have.
We don’t acknowledge that there is a hierarchy that has the power to elevate and diminish people. If we eliminate the hierarchy from our perspective, then it doesn’t exist. And if it doesn’t exist then we never respond to it and we never give energy to it.
The HUGE MISTAKE women make is that they believe men are all about power and hierarchies. (Men encouraged us to believe it.) This is what we’ve been taught but it is WRONG!
Men are all about their AUTONOMY. They like their independence and they rebel against men who make power plays over them.
As women, we must show our male colleagues that we have autonomy too. We have the power to CHOOSE how we respond to their games.
If women want to be seen as equals, then it is up to us to act as equals. That means we can’t engage in a power dynamic even if our male colleagues do. We simply refuse to play their game and by their rules.
Our equality means we play our game by our rules.
Remember Star Trek and how Capt. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru test?
It was a no-win scenario. But Kirk didn’t like to lose and he didn’t believe in no-win scenarios.
So, he changed the conditions of the test. He gave himself an opportunity to win and he won. Initially, he was accused of cheating. But in the end, he was awarded a commendation for original thinking.
Women need to pull their own Kobayashi Maru.
Who says we have to play the workplace games according to the rules written by the guys?
Who????
All the people who make a living off of telling women how the male-dominated workplace oppresses us???
All the people who tell women we need to fit in, conform and think and act like the guys???
Or is it all the people who want power hierarchies because they hope to be at the top or they want an excuse for not having done more with their opportunities???
. And there all the people who tell us men have power structures that diminish us and discriminate against us. And all those people who tell us we have no power and change has to come from the top down through new policies.
These people think inside-the-box. They set us up to play the no-win scenario for their personal reasons. They don’t want us to prove we can win.
It’s up to us to think out of the box so we can break out of the box.
Women need to stop conforming and playing men’s games by men’s rules. We have to pull our own Kobayashi Maru and play our game by our rules using our original female thinking.
That is how we advance women and change the workplace.
Empowered Women Think Outside The Box
To learn how I handled a similar situations with my male colleagues, watch these YouTube videos: