There are some industry cultures that endorse a drinking culture – frequently getting together after work to drink. Coming from one such industry I understand how it normalizes alcoholism and creates problems for women.
Many women and women’s organization encourage women to participate in this culture in order to get ahead. However, my been-there, dealt-with-that, opinion is:
Women must be very careful any time they are around men who are drinking!
Personally, I’m not much of a drinker – one glass of wine is my limit. So, I’m not big into getting together 3-4 nights a week after work for drinks. Frankly, I have better things to do with my time. And that is the first lesson about men who participate in the drinking culture:
They don’t have much of a life outside of work.
They don’t have a family or girlfriend they want to get home to. They don’t have a dog or even a hamster to take care of. They don’t go to the gym to work out, play a sport or have a hobby. Sadly, work is their life because it is their escape from the rest of their life. Recently separated or divorced men are often the ring leaders of getting the guys together after work so they don’t have to go home to a small, empty apartment.
Women are mistakenly encouraged to go out with the guys for the social bonding that will build relationships and advance our careers.
But how much career advancement do we get from our peers?
The answer is: Very little.
We are also told we need to participate if our boss or management is going because it is a great time to pitch your ideas and get face-time.
No it isn’t. Because when men leave work, the leave work.
At the bar they will discuss “work” but it’s in the form of war stories. They won’t be solving any workplace issues or making business decisions. The only tangible value of going out with the guys is that we can pick up on tidbits of useful information. We can find out who worked on what and how they screwed up. Those could be opportunities for us to assert ourselves – if we remain sober and clear headed enough to mine those gold nuggets of information.
But this is where we will run into problems. When we are out with the guys, we will be pressured to drink, a lot.
The guys will offer to buy you drinks; they will buy you drinks even if you decline. They will pressure you to keep up with them and it is easy to fall to the pressure unless you own your limits.
As I said I am not much of a drinker and I proudly declare it.
Call me a light-weight. Make me the Designated Driver. The more pressure that is put on me to drink the more of I proudly I declare – to the entire bar – that I am a genuine light-weight. Poke fun at me for my limits – I will accept the laughter at my expense because I know that the ability to laugh at myself is 100 times more important to bonding with the guys than how much or how often I drink.
I also limit my drinking for my own safety.
Feminism encourages women to go out drinking with their male colleagues and act just like “one of the guys.”
But when there is a lot of drinking going on we must always remember that this is when we ARE NOT one of the guys.
Let me repeat that:
When it comes to drinking WE ARE NOT one of the guys.
We all know what people are like when they get drunk. And while I like to talk about how men and women are equal and how women have a mental strength, we lose our edge when we get intoxicated.
We must always remember that men are physically stronger and when we get drunk, we become vulnerable.
A woman who gets drunk in the presence of men puts herself in a dangerous situation.
This situation is exponentially magnified when we are traveling out of town with the guys.
There is a saying: “What happens out of town, stays out of town.”
This is men’s permission slip to behave badly in ways we never see them do at home. That nice family man whose family hangs out with your family is suddenly hitting on you. Or he’s in the “gentlemen’s club” disrespecting his wife with his activities.
The bottom line is that you don’t know who a man will become when he travels out of town.
So, my best advice to you when you go out of town for the first time with your male colleagues is: Trust No One!!
This is the time to act like prudish Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes.
First of all, don’t tell anyone your hotel room number.
Sure, you can Go to dinner with the guys but limit your drinks. After dinner, you can hang out with the guys for a bit but be aware. Be aware of the drinking. Be aware of colleagues who are getting too friendly and asking lots of personal questions. As soon as they do err on the side of caution and go back to your room. Don’t accept offers to walk you to your room. Don’t get in an elevator with your colleague. And if you get a knock on your door in the middle of the night by one of your colleagues, (it happens) don’t answer it. Don’t even respond.
Our colleagues want to know “what kind of girl we are” when we are out of town. This is especially true for women who are single or perceived by our colleagues to be available or potentially available. Our colleagues will push themselves on us just to see how we respond. They will push our boundaries, just to test our resistance.
And as for “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” well, that only applies to the guys. Not to you!
When you get back to the office, expect all of the guys to hear about “what kind of girl” you are.
This is why it is up to you to set your boundaries and then make each man earn your trust.
As women we can set our boundaries wherever we want BUT we must be aware of the potential consequences. It’s better to err on the side of caution than to live with lifelong regrets.
As for our male colleagues, they understand we have the power to set our own boundaries. Most men will rise to the standards you set. Most men want to earn our trust and respect. These men will then become your protectors from the few men you cannot trust.
It takes time to learn which men are trustworthy. Trust is built over time. And even after you trust a man, even for years, don’t be surprised if that trust is suddenly broken.
This doesn’t mean we should always be fearful. We just need to maintain some amount of situational awareness.
And yes, there have been occasions when I had too much to drink and had an absolute blast with some of my male colleagues. But again, the only men present were the ones I trusted completely.
As women we can be one of the guys but only in a safe environment. Too often women in their efforts to be equal, act like one of the guys, forgetting the obvious differences. They trust men too much and make men earn distrust. However, by the time the distrust is earned it’s too late and there are regrets.
Our equality is not about acting the same as men. It is about exercising our inherent power to influence men. We set the standards for acceptable behavior around us and only trust the men who prove they can rise to our standard and be our equal.
Empowered Women Know When They Can be One of the Guys and When They Can’t
