Tag: #MeToo

  • The Other Side of #MeToo

    The Other Side of #MeToo

    In 2017 I was cycling by myself when I suddenly fell and did the ultimate face plant.  I don’t remember the fall, just waking up with my head laying across a man’s leg.  I heard him call 911 and report my list of injuries. 

    I remember him telling me I broke my wrist and me telling him my wrist didn’t hurt but a spot on my arm was killing me.  I asked him to apply pressure to the spot to relieve the intense pain.  I also remember my fear of going into shock and talking to him about it.  He told me I wasn’t in shock and kept talking to me to keep down my anxiety.

    He sat with me on the hot pavement for over half an hour directing others who stopped to help as they figured out how to guide the paramedics in.  My head remained resting on his leg as the paramedics examined me.  They finally moved me onto a board.  Somewhere in my befuddled mind I thought about how uncomfortable this man must have been sitting on the hot pavement, keeping me comfortable and calm.

    As I was loaded into the ambulance I heard him say he would take care of my bike and meet me at the hospital.  As promised, he met me in the emergency room.  From there, he contacted each of my daughters who lived in other towns and informed them of my accident.  He continued to stay with me as I went through a series of x-rays and tests.  He helped me talk to the doctors, explain the accident and understand my injuries.  He was still there four hours later when one of my daughters arrived and explained my condition to her.  He continued to stay with me, postponing dinner with his family until I was released later that evening.  He helped me to my daughter’s car.

    He took my bike to the shop to be repaired and a few days later brought it to my house.  That day I finally got a chance to talk to him coherently.   I learned that he is someone who’s work we all know even though we don’t know his face. I thanked him profusely for all he did for me.

    He was my hero.  My knight in shining armor.  Proof that chivalry isn’t dead and gentlemen still exist. I told my daughters I wished more men were like him.

    Then a few months later, my hero made national news.

    He was caught up in the Hollywood #MeToo sex scandals.  He was accused of a horrific sexual assault that allegedly took place many years ago. 

    He was instantly professionally ruined.

    Like so many others, I found myself in a predicament:

    How do I reconcile the man I met who was so chivalrous to me with the man he is accused of being?

    My gut reaction was to want out – out of having to think about this and the confusion I was feeling.  The exit door was very clear.

    Businesswoman walking out an open door

    I could immediately condemn him just like his Hollywood A-lister friends did.

    Jumping on the condemnation bandwagon is the easy way out.  Condemning him was Personally Expedient.  It would rescue me from my predicament and from having to do the messy work of figuring out the Truth.

    This thought suddenly put me on the other side.

    I remembered all the times I spoke up and sought justice on behalf of someone who was being bullied, harassed, or accused of something and was dismissed because it was Personally Expedient.

    Whether it was a manager, HR or a witness, they didn’t want to get involved because it was uncomfortable and messy.  So, they took the exit door.

    They elevated what was Personally Expedient above the Truth and doing what was Right.

    This is what most people do.  I know there are many people who read the first half of this article and condemned the man without knowing the full story.  They did it because it was Personally Expedient.

    Finding the Truth is messy and uncomfortable.  When you seek the  Truth you can be bullied, harassed, cancelled and threatened by people whose only objective is to distance themselves from the situation – they just want to make you go away.

    I know from my experience that finding the Truth requires an open mind and cleansing yourself of preconceptions because the journey to the Truth can take you in many different directions. 

    Sometimes the true situation is as presented by the accuser. 

    Sometimes it isn’t. 

    Sometimes seeking the Truth takes you down a long path where you discover there is an even larger problem where the true source of the abuse is well-masked and well-protected.

    A lesson everyone needs to take away from #MeToo is simple:

    You can’t find the Truth, do what is Right or get Justice if you choose to do what is Personally Expedient.

    Statue of Justice at Old Bailey Courthouse with raised scales and sword. Justice isn't blindfolded

    So, the next time you hear a story about an abuser or harasser, don’t immediately jump on the condemnation bandwagon because it is Personally Expedient.  You don’t know the Truth yet.

    Likewise, the next time someone reports an accusation, don’t dismiss them because it is Personally Expedient.  And don’t just offer empathy, consolation and/or outrage because that is also doing what is Personally Expedient.

    Do more. 

    Do what is Right. 

    Seek the Truth. 

    And get Justice for the wronged individual.

    Empowered Women Seek The Truth

    To learn more, watch this YouTube video:

  • From #MeToo to Action

    From #MeToo to Action

    After reading an article I got in a comment battle with another woman over how women should respond to sexual harassment and assault.  She was very focused on offering empathy and sitting up all night with a woman who has been hurt.  To her offering empathy and understanding is what empowered women do.

    To me, empowered women do a lot more – they also take a stand and pursue justice.   An empowered woman, after sitting up all night listening to her hurt friend, goes out the next morning and starts the process of getting justice.  She is her advocate.  Sher puts her empathy, caring and understanding into action to help her friend get the justice she deserves.

    Statue of Justice at Old Bailey Courthouse with raised scales and sword. Justice isn't blindfolded
    Justice in her womanly form – raised sword and no blindfold.

    The other woman focused on being a victim and creating a lot of energy around those feelings of being a victim.  But putting a lot of energy into that state perpetuates that state.  And as the author of the article also discussed it is hard not to be affected yourself by the story of others and let it drag you down.

    To me, we need to put the energy towards healing and moving beyond the incident so it doesn’t permanently alter our lives in a negative manner.  I think of these incidents as someone pushing you down and infusing you with lots of their negative energy.   Our recovery process has to focus on working our way back up, ejecting their negativity and replacing it with our own positive energy.

    I have always found that standing up for myself and pursuing justice works miracles in speeding up the recovery process.   It gets me and the energy moving in the right direction.  Sometimes the justice process is swift and easy, sometimes it is really hard but you keep moving forward.  If you are lucky enough to have an advocate she ensures you keep taking steps forward, even if they are baby steps.

    When I feel I got the justice I deserve, I feel empowered and strong.   This is why I don’t reflect back on my career and see a long list of harassment, discrimination or unfair incidents.  I see challenges and obstacles that made me stronger and more confident.  They are a reminder that men don’t have power over me.

    The subtext of the other woman’s comments (and what really fired me up) was that it implied that when men act inappropriately, empowered women only respond in an emotional manner with empathy and understanding.  Change can only come when men decide to change their own actions.  Until then, it is women’s duty to keep pouring out the empathy and understanding to other women.

    Doesn’t that sound a lot like the stereotypes?

    Men act. Women are emotional.

    What about women taking action?

    After reading many comments on many posts, it seems that many women don’t believe or don’t want to believe that women have the power to act and influence men to change their actions.

    Our society is conditioned to believe women won’t act.   It believes if we give women their #MeToo moment to vent, appease them emotionally, sacrifice a few men, then eventually women will sit down, shut up and go away.

    We conditioned men to believe they just have to wait it out.  They don’t have to change because women aren’t going to do anything to make them change.  Women aren’t going to impose consequences. 

    If women want real and lasting change in men’s behavior, then women have to stop just talking and empathizing.  We need to act by standing up for ourselves, pursuing justice and imposing consequences.

    But again, from reading through lots of comments, there are a lot of women who don’t want us to see women as actors and doers because it then makes women responsible and accountable for their own actions.  In every incident they want women to be seen as innocent little lambs who are attacked by the big bad wolf in order to put 100% of the focus on men’s actions.

    They don’t want us to ask “Why did you go up to his hotel room?  Why did you get drunk with those guys?  Why did you let him in?”

    I can hear women screaming now “You want to bring back Victim Blaming!”

    No.

    I want women to understand the negative consequences of us denying our action, responsibility and accountability.

    An innocent little lamb is like a dependent child who needs others to protect and take care of it.  That image reinforces the stereotypes, the patriarchy and the subjugation of women.  It is not an image of an empowered woman who exercises her equality to men.

    Empowered women aren’t afraid to admit their mistakes.  Fear of Blame is a guy thing because men are afraid to be vulnerable.  Unfortunately they’ve transferred it to women and use it against us as victim blaming.

    Men use our 10% mistake to intimidate us into not exposing their 90% mistake.

    We need to get wise to this and stop falling for it.

    I’m not afraid to expose my mistake and take my 10% of accountability.  If anyone wants to victim blame me then my response is “I know I’m not perfect.  I am human.  We all make mistakes.”  Then I give them the look that says “Shall we discuss your long list of mistakes?”

    This attitude let me to file an 80 page complaint against a serial abuser in which I included all of my dirty laundry.  Not only was the serial abuser addressed but the company instituted a lot of policy changes to prevent the abuse he doled out.

    I know I keep harping on how important your attitude and perspective are to standing up for  yourself (and others) and getting justice.  This is why you can’t see yourself as a powerless victim.

    Several years ago I was sexually harassed at work and filed a complaint.  My complaint was not kept confidential.  Luckily someone who received it intervened and stopped a subsequent email that would have made it public.

    I was horrified, disgusted and angry.  As I drove home from work, I realized I was victimized – twice.  I got very upset.  After wallowing in my victimization for 20 minutes I thought “What the hell do I have to be ashamed of?  I didn’t do anything wrong.  The man who breached my confidentiality after being instructed to protect it was who was wrong.”  (My harasser was already fired.)

    I realized how thinking of myself as a victim disempowered me.  So I picked up the phone, called the appropriate person and got my justice.

    That was the only time in my career I ever associated myself with “victim.”

    I prefer to be a justice seeker and someone who always stands up for what is right.  I found there is a lot of power in that. 

    And that probably explains why women are discouraged from believing in their power to act, their power to influence men and their power to invoke consequences.

    Empowered Women Put Their Empathy into Action

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