Recently I listened to a woman complain about a male colleague during which she said “I hate passive-aggressive behavior.” After our conversation I realized that she was the one who was being passive aggressive.
Our conversation reminded me of a simple, yet very powerful tool I learned years ago to understand how my colleagues see the world around them.
I simply LISTEN and when they talk about other people (or me), I hold up a mirror in front of them. More often than not, they are telling me how they see the world.
Each of us has a perspective shaped by who we are and our experiences. We think our perspective is accurate and complete. We think we are see things as they really are and without bias or limitation. And too often we fail to recognize there is a larger perspective and our point of view is only a slice of it.
It is difficult for each of us to look in the mirror at ourselves and widen our perspective by ourselves. We need the help of others. Therefore, it is up to each of us can help other people grow and broaden their perspective.
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We start by simply listening and holding up the mirror. We don’t comment or critique. We don’t try to interject our all-so-important point of view. We don’t pretend to listen as we really think over in our heads all the ways the person is wrong and what we are going to say to prove our point of view is better.
We just listen and let the other person reveal themselves.
It is amazing how much people will reveal when we just shut and listen. They will tell you about their fears that shape their perspective.
It is also amazing how much we learn about our own perspective and its limitation when we listen to others. We start seeing our own fears that limit our perspective.
It is only after we listen a few times that we can begin to have a good understanding of who the other person is and why they think the way they do. We can then begin to expand their point of view (and ours).
We also have to recognize that just like us, the other person is naturally defensive about their point of view. Therefore, we don’t want to trigger a defensive response – we want them to think, not react. This is why I like starting with the phrase “I was thinking about you said about….”
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It invites a conversation. And once the conversation starts, it is difficult to keep other people and their points of view from joining in. That is what we want.
Each of us has a different slice of the whole and our diversity of experience, knowledge and points of view helps us form a larger, more complete perspective. It is from this larger point of view that we can solve problems and address issues more effectively and completely.
So next time you hear someone talking about someone else, hold up a mirror. What you see may be very revealing.
Empowered Women Listen
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