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A few weeks ago while working with the TV on, I heard a commentator relay a rumor that Tillerson, McMaster and Mattis had a “suicide pact” and if one left they would all leave.
I found myself yelling at the TV – “You guys don’t know what you are talking about. No one goes through with a suicide pact!”
As a woman who has supervised lots of men, suicide pacts were part of my daily life, beginning in my first management position and never stopping.
Suicide pacts are typically voiced as:
“If George gets fired then Jim, Terry, Dan, Paul and Bob will quit.”
“If George doesn’t get the promotion then he will quit and so will Jim, Terry, Dan, Paul and Bob.”
The first time I faced the threat of a suicide pact I saw it for what it was – an intimidation tactic.
I also didn’t miss the fact that it was played out on me because I was a woman. They guys thought I was more likely to cave into their demands than one of my male supervisors who would have met their threat with several choice words.
In the early years of my career my initial response was to be dumbfounded. I thought about giving them the dramatic, tearful, hysterical response they wanted:
“Oh no! You can’t quit! I am just a poor little woman who is in over her head. I won’t survive without you! I will give you anything you want – just please don’t leave me!”
I may have actually used that response a couple of times when I was in a “don’t jerk me around” mood. But for the most part, I gave them a more direct and realistic response:
“So you’re telling me you are going home and telling your wife ‘Honey you will be so proud of me! I quit my job today because George didn’t get the promotion!’ I’m sure that will go over well.”
And that’s the truth. No one quits their job because someone else didn’t get a promotion, got fired or got laid off.
As I woman I’ve faced countless suicide pact threats and had only 1 man actually go through with it after I fired his supervisor.
The rest of the men in the pact eagerly showed up for work the next day vying to fill the newly vacant supervisor position.
It only took a week before the man who quit was asking his pact members to help him get his job back. It took them another two weeks to get up the courage to ask me if he could come back.
I said “No.”
The man went to work for his fired supervisor but didn’t have steady work. After 2 months his pact mates approached me again. I made it clear that I don’t put up with people who try to intimidate me. (The man had sent me nasty emails prior to firing his supervisor.) After two weeks of negotiating I hired back the man in a lower position and for less pay. I also made him come to my office and apologize to me in person.
As women we have to respond to suicide pacts for what they are – an intimidation tactic with no weight. The men who use them are all bark and no bite. Therefore, we never give into them.
They do however give us important feedback about our team. The men who use them don’t tolerate stress well. They use the suicide pact as a means to hide that fact that they are under stress and really want to quit. Ironically, defying the suicide pact by firing or not promoting their supervisor and bringing in someone who is more capable, is often the best remedy to their stress. They just don’t see it.
As good managers and leaders, it is our job to see it for them and have the courage rise above the threat to do what is best for everyone.
And as for Tillerson, Mattis, Kelly and McMaster, I suspect they all have very high stress limits and would never think of using a suicide pact. But whoever initiated the rumor is revealing their own perceptions and their stress needs to be addressed.
Empowered Women Aren’t Intimidated by Suicide Pacts
I love this! Very good analysis and insight on group behavior. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.