I read another one of those articles on a post from the Harvard Business Review stating that women often don’t get what they want or deserve because they don’t ask for it. Does anyone else feel like me after I read these types of articles – here’s another thing I’m doing wrong. Here’s another article that makes it sound like women aren’t cut out for the business world.
But who decides what is and isn’t right?
I read all this stuff about what I am supposed to do and get the impression that when I go to work I am supposed to be all about Me. Me, Me, Me, Me, Me. But those aren’t my values – being all about Me, isn’t Me.
Many years ago I found a poster that reflected my values:
Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in all We Do
That says it all. Those are MY values! And I think most women would proudly say these are their values.
Integrity – I do what is right. I may be standing up there alone, on my soap box, while stones are being thrown, but, I don’t care. I will stand up and fight for what is right for myself, my family, my co-workers, my workplace and my community. I will not abandon what is right. To me, there is no greater value.
Service Before Self – Every woman understands this. This is why we are humble. This is why we believe in teamwork. This is why we don’t promote ourselves. And yes, there is a consequence that I may not make as much money as my most boastful coworker, but there is a line I don’t want to cross – I don’t want to be him, I don’t respect his self-promotion. I can accept making a little less money if it means this value stays at the core of my soul. This value is not for sale!
Excellence in All We Do – I want the team of people I work with to be proud of who they are and what we accomplish. There is something powerful that happens inside us when we strive to do our best – we believe that anything is possible.
I am proud of my values so I prominently hang that poster in my office, every place I work. I found I learn a lot about the culture of a company by the reaction my co-workers have to it.
When I worked with a company who built military family housing the reaction was “Cool” or “Like that poster!” Everyone commented positively on it, they wanted a copy. They understood the values, they lived the values. I wanted to work there forever.
But the company decided to get out of the military family housing construction market and started changing personnel. No one commented on the poster any more. These weren’t their values.
When I worked for one of the top national home-builders, my co-workers looked at the poster, wrinkled up their faces as if to say “WTF!” and looked at me as if I was an alien. Is that a surprise?! This is the industry that helped create the Great Recession. My values didn’t fit into this industry and we all paid the price.
Is it possible that the characteristics we are told to emulate in order to get ahead in the workplace are just a little more than a bit off?
Do we really have to give up our values and working towards a common good in order to get ahead?
My answer to that is “Absolutely Not!”
I always stand up for what is right.
I’ve been the woman in the room with 20 men trying to decide on a course of action. Someone suggests something that is a bit unethical or in the very least not nice. Everyone knows it’s wrong but no one says anything – except me. I bring up how the idea can be perceived as wrong. Then I ask “Is that what we really want to do?”
In other words, I am asking the men to raise their hand and say “Yes, I want to do something I know is wrong!”
Of course no one does. The idea goes away.
And after the meeting someone always thanks me for standing up for what is right.
The reason this works is because men want to avoid Blame for doing something wrong. To men Blame is about the worst thing that can happen to them in the workplace. If we can help them avoid Blame, they accept our help.
Even though it may be politically incorrect to say so, men want to look good in the eyes of women. They want us to respect them. So if we squash an idea for not being right, men generally go along with it. They accept us as their moral compass.
The vast majority of our male colleagues are good men who want to do what is right. They just have a hard time doing it sometimes because of the dynamics of the Blue Zone. When we stand up and exercise our values, we help move our workplace to the Purple Zone.
Empowered women know their values.
They use their natural strength and determination to stand up for what is right.
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Dot, thank you for sharing. I am really enjoying your articles. I may be jumping off center a bit but I wanted to share a story of my experience in the “male” dominated field of the IT world. About 4 years ago I was asked to interview for a database administrator position for Stanley, Inc., US Coast Guard Operations Systems Center (yes, I’m giving details… why not?) I wasn’t apprehensive at all considering I had the work experience and the college background. Two men walked into the room, sat down and looked a bit surprised. They looked at my application and one said, “Randi?” Hmmm… my initial guess was that they were surprised that I was a woman. I simply replied with, “yes.” Not far into the interview they confirmed my suspicions with their comment, “…you do realize that this is a young man’s field?” I could have thrown my morals, work ethics, and composure out the window by responding with, “…then why are you two working here?” since they were both middle-age, but I held onto my values and responded with, “I would like to change that view of this field.” The interview soon ended and ultimately I was not offered the position. Was I surprised? No, not at all.
Please keep writing. It gives myself and others encouragement.
Years ago I worked with a woman named Randi who had the same thing happen to her all the time. I think we need to find the right approach to deal with these situations. What would have happened if you had said – Guys Time Out! And given the time out sign to them. Then told them – Do you realize what you just did? Do you realize that you just discriminated against me? Do you realize you just told me I won’t get this job because I am not a man and not young enough? Do you realize you just opened up a can of worms for your company? If I went public with this, don’t you think your company would be embarrassed? If I wrote to your HR department what do you think they would do? You guys just put us in a lose-lose position.
I have not always been good about finding the right balanced approach. A lot of times, I let things slide. Other times I went on the attack. But a year ago I got it right. I had a superior retaliate against me. I couldn’t get the first complaint written before I had two more things to add to it. My first complaint was 20 pages. I was retaliated against for writing the complaint so I wrote another complaint. Got more retaliation. I went to the top of the company before I got resolution. The company was pretty embarrassed and did do right by me.
The company had just written their ethics policy which basically asked a question: Would you want to see the story published on the front page of the newspaper? If the answer is no, then don’t do it. That is what I kept going back to them with – do you really want this getting out? How would this play in the court of public opinion? It’s about Integrity.
I think what we need to do it call guys out on this stuff each and every time. Saying things like – Guys do you realize what you just did – the situation you just created? Now I have to do something, I don’t want to but I can’t let this go.
Where do you find the strength and courage to do this? Make Integrity your first value.
Can I turn your story into an article? I think this is pretty good.
We seem to be parallel in our thinking. Please do turn it into an article. I was raised with valuable work ethics and it took every ounce of me not to say what I really wanted to say. At times, I almost believe that it is these same work ethics that is holding me back from succeeding. So often in the media we see unethical behavior being swept under the carpet simply due to the person’s gender, title, etc. Only under extreme and constant scrutiny is that person punished. The list is far too long to begin. Anything that I can do to help bring these issues to light please let me know.