It Isn’t Always About Power

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The current narrative says that all unwanted sexual attention and harassment is based in power. It isn’t.

Sometimes it is simply about sex.

I’ve never had unwanted attention from or been sexually harassed or abused by any man I work for. One senior manager may have wanted to but I denied him the opportunity when I didn’t show up for dinner at the gentlemen’s club.

I have however – like many women – experienced a lot of unwanted attention and been harassed by outside associates, peers and even the men who report to me. Most of the time, I was the one with more power. I knew their advances weren’t intended to diminish me – they just saw a women who was different and wanted to try her out.

Many men cross the line into unwanted attention simply because they are looking for sex and believe the old saying: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If they take their shot and they might get lucky.

This game gets played a lot when we are out of town. Men want to know if you are one of those women who also believes that what happens out of town, stays out of town. Do you transform from serious businesswoman to sexy party girl?

Too often women make the mistake of being too polite when they reject these advances because we don’t want to hurt the man’s feelings or come on too strong. But when you are polite, he interprets it as you leaving the door open. He again thinks nothing ventured, nothing gained so he tries to open the door some more.

The harassment begins.

So ladies, don’t be polite in your rejection – take your shot and send him down in flames. His ego will recover.

There are also some men who have this weird notion that if he is interested in you, then you want him too. The idea that you aren’t attracted to him doesn’t even register as a possibility.

I’ve come across this a lot with myself and other women. And again, women have to give an absolute “No” and sometimes take action to make these guys leave you alone.

In one of my workplaces a man who worked for me had a crush on me. One day I walked in on a group of my colleagues including his supervisor talking about how the man could make some overtures to me. My reaction was:

“Guys, let me make this really clear. I GET A SAY IN THIS. Just because he’s interested doesn’t mean I going to say, ‘Ooohhh I’m so lucky, a man likes me.’

I decide who I date. And I do not want him. I DO NOT want him coming around me. So you better get out there and start discouraging him because if I hear you encouraging him, I will come after you for sexual harassment.”

It took a few more weeks for the man to get the message but my colleagues made it very clear to him that I was way out of his league and they intervened whenever he attempted to come near me.

Then there are the men who don’t believe a woman can be single – she must have a man in her life. She must be having sex with someone! It’s another strange thought process that must only make sense in the male mind.

These men play match maker and try to set you up with every single man they know, including men you wouldn’t date in a million years. They don’t understand that you have standards for the men you date beyond the possession of male genitalia.

My approach to dealing with these guys is to give them my list of dating requirements and say “Find me this guy.” The list of course has very high requirements. But if they can find him….

Then there are the weirdos and naturally creepy men.

The first time I ran across this man was 6 months into my career when I went to a training course. The last man to enter the classroom was looking for a seat and I motioned that the seat next to me was vacant. That was my mistake.

He interpreted my offer of a seat as me saying “Here, I want you to sit next to me because I want you.” Two days later, this man, who was the stereotypical geek, professed his love for me and began stalking me. By the end of the week he said that he was leaving his wife and child for me.

At first I was concerned for my safety but then realized I could break this little geek in half like twig so I ignored him.

Ironically his stalking turned out to be helpful. One of our classmates got seriously ill and needed to go to the hospital. We didn’t have a car to take him but I knew who did – my stalker who was standing right there. He gladly gave us a ride. After the course, thankfully, I never saw or heard from him again.

Unfortunately he wasn’t the last creeper I dealt with. However, I took all of the others more seriously. We have to remember that there is a lot about our colleagues that remains hidden when we only have a professional relationship with them.

Sometimes it isn’t about power, control or sex.

Sometimes it’s a hidden mental illness.

We have to recognize incidents for what they are so we deal with them appropriately.

When we follow the current narrative and believe every situation is about power, we automatically cast ourselves in a weaker, subordinate position. We tell ourselves we have to be afraid to say “No” for fear of consequences and reprisals. This makes us less willing to act or fight back – either in the moment or afterwards.

So, instead of assuming a man wants to assert power over you, assume he is just looking for sex. He wants to know which dot to color:

Ο Player

Ο Not A Player

This puts you on equal footing with the power to say, “Not A Player.”

By now I’ve written enough articles like this to know there are some women who don’t want to hear anything other than it as all about power and are chomping at the bit to counter and say: “Well, what about abuse and assault – that’s about power.”

I don’t disagree – those are about control and power. But just because they are, don’t make all incidents about power.

When we make all incidents about power, we hand men power they don’t have.

They will gladly take it and use it to their advantage.

Be aware that men hear us talking about power. They learn this is how we see the workplace.

They think, nothing ventured, nothing gained so why not try mixing power with a request for sex. If we fall for it, they use it again and again and again. They learn they can harass and abuse and get away with it.

So remember, it’s not always about power.

Sometimes it’s about sex and getting laid. And we have the power. The power to say “No.”