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At a recent dinner a woman and I were talking about women in tech. She brought up a story about a young woman who was the only woman in her department. One of her male co-workers dropped $2 every day into her cubicle. He did it to diminish her – to make her feel like a sex object.
The woman was upset that women have to deal with stuff like that. I told her that if women think outside the box, we can get the upper hand.
I said that if it was me, I would bring in a jar and sit it on my desk with a big note that says “Dot Appreciation Jar.”
Every day I would add the money to jar. After a couple of days, I would probably put out my hand expecting the $2 when my co-worker arrived and tell him “Thank you.”. That would throw him off because he would get the message that I wasn’t insulted.
When I had enough money, I would stop by Starbucks in the morning and get him a Venti Caramel Macchiato (men always seem to like those) and a pasty and something for me too…with his money.
Then with a very perky all sunshine and smiles voice I would deliver his coffee as if he and I are besties who do little things for each other (very girlie). That would get the attention of all the other guys and they would want to know why he got coffee and pastry and not them – What did he do that was so special?
My answer would be, “He appreciates me. He knows he could be working with someone who looks like the rest of you guys but he’s got ME instead!”
The men at our table started laughing. I asked “That would work right?” They nodded it would.
I told the woman that if a woman allows herself to be insulted or offended she automatically loses. The guys would then continue to do stuff to her because they know they can get a reaction.
The trick is not to react and figure out how to turn the tables to your advantage. Making a joke out of the whole thing shows you have a sense of humor. That also demonstrates strength and that you can stand up for yourself without diminishing any of the guys. You establish that everyone is independent equals.
That is a power women have – if we don’t acknowledge a hierarchy that has the power to elevate and diminish people, then it doesn’t exist in our perspective. And if it doesn’t exist then we never respond as if does and we never give energy to it.
If women want to be seen as equals, then we first have to see ourselves as equals. That means we can’t engage in a power dynamic even if our male colleagues do. We simply refuse to play their game, by their rules. We play our own game by our own rules where everyone is equal.
Remember Star Trek and how Capt. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru test?
It was a no-win scenario. But Kirk didn’t like to lose and he didn’t believe in no-win scenarios.
So, he changed the game and was accused of cheating. But in the end, he was awarded a commendation for original thinking.
Women need to pull their own Kobayashi Maru.
Who says we have to play the workplace games according to the rules written by the guys?
Who????
Well, there are all those people who tell women we need to fit in and conform and think and act like the guys. And there all the people who tell us men have power structures that diminish us and discriminate against us. And all those people who tell us we have no power and change has to come from the top down through new policies.
But all those people think inside-the-box and set us up to play the no-win scenario. There are a lot of those people out there…who will even tell us we are “cheating” to shame us to get back into the box.
Women need to stop conforming and playing men’s games by men’s rules. We have to pull our own Kobayashi Maru and play our game by our own rules using our own original female thinking.
That is how we win, change the workplace and advance women.
Empowered Women Think Outside the Box
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