Why Some Women Are Horrible Bosses

The question I am most frequently asked isn’t about working with men, its about working with women:

Why are so many women such horrible bosses?

Even though I’ve never had a female boss, I’ve supervised and worked with female bosses whose direct reports were women.  From those experiences, I totally understand the question because many of the women were horrible bosses and I had to deal with a lot of HR issues that my male colleagues either ignored or ran away from.

It may seem surprising that so many women are horrible bosses because women frequently tout their soft skills – understanding, listening, empathy, communication and teamwork – as reasons why women are better supervisors and managers.

But women who are horrible bosses abandon those skills and become cold, selfish, mean and bitter.  They are also often isolated – by choice –rejecting all efforts to make them feel included and part of the team.

Why does this happen to so many women?

First, let me say that my explanation comes from my personal experience.  As a young woman working in a non-traditional role in an all-male workplace, I knew all the female narratives about how the male-dominated workplace functions and what I needed to do to get ahead and climb the organizational hierarchy.

But when I got in my workplace, I didn’t see any of those narratives play out.  So, I rejected them and began talking to my male colleagues about how their workplace functioned and what I needed to do to get ahead.

That put me on a different path than some of the women I met during my career who embraced the narratives, and then struggled.  Their path, fueled by erroneous narratives, caused many of them to leave nontraditional career fields and return to traditionally female roles.

So, what are women getting so wrong?

It is our belief that the male-dominated workplace functions through survival of the fittest.

When I was young this narrative made sense.  Growing up we all watched Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom where every week we witnessed how the strongest, boldest, fiercest male rose to the top.  Then we would see a young courageous male challenge the Alpha for his position.  They battled and they fought.

Most of the time the Alpha wasn’t toppled and the young usurper retreated to lick his wounds.

It was only when the Alpha was suitably old and weak, that a young, strong male could bring him down.

Watching this play out, the survival of the fittest and the power of the patriarchy was reinforced every week.

Women assumed this is how the male-dominated workplace functioned and they created the narrative “Tear-down-to-rise-up.”  Women touted this narrative over 40 years ago and just last week I saw a women’s organization post that this is how the male-dominated workplace functions (which inspired this article).

“Tear-down-to-rise-up” teaches women that they have to be aggressive in order to get ahead.  They think they have to tear down and discredit their male colleagues in order to stand out.  If they want a promotion, then they have to take down the person in the position and replace them.

“Tear-down-to-rise-up” ruins workplace relationships.  The women who use it get aggressive responses from their male colleagues and wind up being ostracized.  Women then interpret these responses as proof that the narratives are right – the workplace functions through survival of the fittest and men don’t want women competing with them in the workplace.

Women don’t realize they are really trapped in their own self-fulfilling prophecy.

In reality, the male-dominated workplace functions through alliances and networks.  You have to be respected then accepted in order to be sponsored and brought into a network of alliances.

Rule #1 rule of an alliance and network is that the members look out for each other.

This is what Good Ole Boys Clubs really are.

“Tear-down-to-rise-up” violates Rule #1.  It demonstrates that you can’t be trusted to look out for members of an alliance.  Even worse, women attack a member of an alliance and bring down the wrath of the entire alliance upon themselves without ever realizing the fatal mistake they are making.

“Tear-down-to-rise-up” also makes women suspicious of younger women in the workplace because they expect younger women to use “Tear-down-to-rise-up” against them.  However, they aren’t like the Alpha male who believes he can fend off the aggression of a younger upstart.  “Older” women feel vulnerable for two reasons.

First, there is our societal conditioning that says men prefer younger women.  Older women suspect younger women will use their youthful femininity to get what they want…including promotions and displacement of an older woman.

Secondly, unlike her male colleagues, another woman can compete with an older woman on the same terms.

Many women don’t like to hear it but, men and women aren’t the same.  Men and women do have different qualities.  Any woman that works in an all-male workplace figures this out really fast.  She knows she has skills and ways of thinking that men don’t.

Her female traits give her an advantage and she learns how to make full use of that advantage.  It is a source of her informal power.

A younger woman who also uses those same female traits can erode the older woman’s informal power.  This makes the younger woman a threat.

To feel secure, an older woman can feel the need to discredit or subjugate a younger woman, even if they are in unrelated roles.

Women are also horrible bosses because they often secretly feel ostracized and rejected by their male colleagues.  This feeling typically develops early in a woman’s career and again stems from a misunderstanding of how the male-dominated workplace functions.

Women don’t understand that Autonomy (not power or status) is the most dominant trait of the male-dominated workplace.

Women need to think of Autonomy as our male colleagues believing they work on a desert island all by themselves.  (Picture an office with high walled cubicles.)  Because of Autonomy men work alone.  They don’t ask for help from their co-workers and they don’t coordinate or integrate their work with their co-workers.

Autonomy also keeps the boss in his office working on his tasks.  He doesn’t go around the office asking how everyone is doing on their tasks and if they need any help.  He simply makes assignments and everyone is expected to complete their assignment on their own.

When you work in a workplace with lots of Autonomy no one talks to you about your job.  No one volunteers to help you.  You can feel like you were thrown in the deep end of the pool without a life preserver and it’s either sink or swim.

Autonomy is the complete opposite of how women like to interact while they work.  This is why Autonomy often feels like rejection to women even though it isn’t.  Ironically, a woman who can work autonomously is proving she “fits in” and is often invited to join an alliance.

But because her female interpretation of Autonomy makes her feel rejected and ostracized, she doesn’t recognize her male co-workers’ acceptance.

Autonomy can make women bitter.  They can flip a switch and say, “Fine.  If you aren’t going to help me, then I’m not going to help you.”

They see mistakes; they see problems, but they flat-out refuse to help their co-workers.

The women that I worked with who were the worst horrible bosses were all like this.  They even sabotaged other women.

As my career progressed I began seeing horrible women bosses as very confused and insecure women.

As a female manager I tried to help them but some refused any help.  They didn’t want to change. They didn’t want to become part of the team.   They wanted to stay unhappy and miserable and use their misery to inflict misery on others.

As a woman working for a horrible woman boss what can you do?

You can find another position as quickly as possible.  As I mentioned earlier don’t expect your workplace to deal with your horrible boss because your workplace has been avoiding dealing with her, probably for years.  The only thing I’ve seen that spurs on any kind of action is a high turnover rate that negatively impacts performance which in turn negatively affects management (and their bonuses).

Many women think they can befriend her and that once she sees that she has a friend who supports her, she will change.  I’ve never seen this work.  Eventually the horrible boss stabs the woman in the back.  (Right?  How many of you have experienced that?)

The only solution I’ve come up with that has an impact is what I call a Process Meeting.

Basically you pick a problem in the workplace and suggest a lunch meeting (brown bag or company sponsored lunch) to resolve it.  First everyone sits in the conference room and eats together.  This is critical because it helps build comradery.  Then as a group you solve the problem – it usually involves changing and improving workplace procedures and processes.

In doing this the first time, you have to be careful in choosing the problem you solve – you and your co-workers must be able to solve the problem on your own.  You don’t want to put something else on your boss’s plate.  You want to take something off her plate.  You want to solve a problem that has been negatively impacting her.

You also have to be very careful to respect her position, defer to experience and expertise so she doesn’t think you are trying to usurp her.  Tread carefully.

Once that problem is resolved and things are working better, hold more Process Meetings to solve more problems.

Most people (men and women) respond very positively to the Process Meeting and it is the best means I’ve ever discovered to building teamwork.

However, there are some people (men and women) it doesn’t work with.  They are easy to detect because they are the ones who invent a crisis – that only they can handle – in order to have an excuse to not attend the meeting.  If the person who refuses to attend is the boss, then keep going.  Stay positive and keep trying to lure her in.  Some eventually come around.

Some never do. 

That’s their choice.  You can’t fix them.

 

At this point the rest of the workplace needs to continue to move forward as a team and leave the horrible boss in the isolation she chose.  She may eventually get counseling to help with her issues or she may eventually leave.

The biggest lesson I learned from dealing with horrible bosses is that no one should let her misery and her negativity, negatively affect them.  Make whatever decisions you need to in order to take care of yourself and move forward with your life.  Then congratulate yourself for having the wisdom and strength not to get caught in her web.

 

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