The current narrative says that all unwanted sexual attention and harassment is based in power. It isn’t.
Sometimes it is simply about sex.
Like many women I experienced a lot of unwanted attention and been harassed by outside associates, peers and even the men who report to me. Most of the time, I was the one with more power. I knew their advances weren’t intended to diminish me.
They just saw a woman who was different from most women and decided “I want to try her out.”
Many men cross the line into unwanted attention simply because they are looking for sex and believe the old saying: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” If they take their shot, they might get lucky.
This game gets played a lot when we are out of town. Men want to know if we are one of those women who also believes “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
Do we transform from serious career woman to party girl?
Too often women make the mistake of being too polite when we reject these advances because we don’t want to hurt the man’s feelings or come on too strong. But when we are polite, he interprets it as us leaving the door open. He again thinks nothing ventured, nothing gained so he tries to open the door some more.
The harassment begins.
So ladies, we can’t be polite in our rejection – we take our shot and send him down in flames. His ego will recover.
There are also some men who have this weird notion that if he is interested in us, then we want him too. The idea that we aren’t attracted to him doesn’t even register as a possibility.
I’ve dealt with this and so have most of the women I’ve work with. And again, women have to give an absolute “No” and sometimes take action to make these guys leave us alone.
In one of my workplaces a lower-level man who worked for me developed a crush on me. One day I walked in on a group of my male colleagues including his supervisor talking about how the man could make some overtures to me. My angry reaction was:
“Guys, let me make this really clear. I GET A SAY IN THIS. Just because he’s interested doesn’t mean I going to say, ‘Ooohhh I’m so lucky, a man likes me.’”
“I decide who I date! And I DO NOT want him coming around me. So, you better get out there and start discouraging him because if I hear you encouraging him, I will come after all of you for sexual harassment.”
My colleagues did follow through. They made it very clear to him that I was way out of his league, and they intervened whenever he attempted to come near me.
Then there are the men who don’t believe a woman can be single – she must have a man in her life. She MUST have sex with someone!
It’s another strange thought process that only make sense in the male mind.
These men play match maker and try to set you up with every single man they know, including men you wouldn’t date in a million years.
They don’t understand that you have standards for the men you date beyond the possession of male genitalia.
Since I’m not easily offended by male antics, my approach to dealing with this is to give the guys my list of dating requirements and say, “Find me this guy.”
The list of course has very high requirements. But if they can find him….
Then there are the weirdos and naturally creepy men.
The first time I ran across this man was 6 months into my career when I went to a training course. The last man to enter the classroom was looking for a seat and I motioned that the seat next to me was vacant. That was my mistake.
He interpreted my offer of a seat as me saying: “I want you to sit next to me because I want you.” Two days later, this man, who was the stereotypical geek, professed his love for me and began stalking me. By the end of the week, he said that he was leaving his wife and child for me.
At first, I was concerned for my safety but then realized I could break this little geek in half like twig, so I tried to ignore him.
Ironically his stalking turned out to be helpful.
One of our classmates became extremely ill and needed to go to the hospital. We didn’t have a car to take him, but I knew who did – my stalker. And being a good stalker, he was standing right there. He gladly gave us a ride.
After the course, thankfully, I never saw or heard from him again.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t the last creeper I dealt with. However, I took all of the others much more seriously.
We must remember that there is a lot about our colleagues that we don’t know. We only have a professional relationship with them and even if we are friendly a lot about them remains hidden.
We should always listen to our gut instincts. If something feels off, then something probably is off.
I’ve worked with quite a few men who seemed normal but then their behavior changed. They either developed a mental illness or had one all along that they hid. A few became dangerous.
As women we will face a variety of situations and incidents. The one size fits all POWER narrative is far too simplistic. We have to recognize situations for what they are, so we deal with them appropriately.
When we follow the narratives that say every situation is about POWER, we automatically cast ourselves in a weaker, subordinate position.
We tell ourselves we have to be afraid. We fear if we say “No” there will be consequences and reprisals. This makes us less willing to act or fight back – either in the moment or afterwards.
So, instead of assuming a man wants to assert power over you, consider he may just be looking for sex. After all, we had a sexual revolution several decades ago and men know women want (good) sex too. And we all know colleagues who got involved.
By now I’ve written enough articles like this to know there are some women who don’t want to hear anything other than it as all about power and are chomping at the bit to counter and say:
“Well, what about abuse and assault – that’s about power.”
I don’t disagree – those are about control and power. But just because they are, don’t make all incidents about power.
When we make all incidents about power, we hand men power they don’t have.
They will gladly take it and use it to their advantage.
Some then think, nothing ventured, nothing gained so why not try mixing power with a request for sex. If we fall for it, they use it again and again and again. They learn they can harass and abuse and get away with it.
So, remember, it’s not always about power.
Sometimes it’s about sex and getting laid. And we have the power to say “No” and take action if our decision isn’t respected.
Empowered Women Don’t Give Men Power They Don’t Have
To learn more, watch these YouTube videos: